Overwhelmed and Tired - be prepared for whining

I have been struggling lately. I am coming to the end of summer school - Thursday is my final - and everything seems to be compounding. I am hot. Miserably. I can't get away from the heat when I actually have to go places. Who wants to be out driving in this miserable 110* heat? Much less being 9 months pregnant. My air in the car works okay until about 10:30 am, and then it just blows semi-cool air. Ugh.

Did I mention being pregnant? Oh yeah, I just did. Wait, I mention it all the time. I am sure that all of you are tired of hearing me complain, but I am tired. This pregnancy I feel way better than I ever felt with the other 2 pregnancies, but that doesn't mean I am not utterly exhausted and need some serious sleep. Sleep that is elusive with school.

When I am so tired, so sleep-deprived, so exhausted, my patience and my emotions get raw. I am not a nice mom or wife when I feel this way.

I have a wonderful husband that tries to support me as much as possible, and two children that have been folding laundry, vacuuming daily, and helping out a lot. And yet I am still short on patience with them.

One of the boys left the refrigerator in the garage slightly open, so Sunday we had to toss 2 containers of soy milk and 2 containers of orange juice, Then Monday, Ephraim was helping load groceries and dropped the 18-count carton of eggs - cracking 13 of them. I put myself in a 5 minute time out Sunday over the refrigerator thing, but then made the kids add up the cost of the lost food and we discussed what fun thing we could have done with that money instead of wasting it. Monday I handled it better, but still. Does it matter in the big scheme?

Of course not. But that didn't mean it wasn't a big deal to me at the time. Monday evening (after the egg thing), children were still ignoring me and back-talking. I was still tired. I was sweaty. I was raw and edgy. I was being rude and mean and put myself into an hour time out while I showered and tried to find my ability to be kind. This left my kind husband to parent the boys, and I know his patience - although much greater than mine - was wearing thin.

Today I tried to make it a better day. I had grand plans of being a kind and coherent wife and mom; one that didn't get upset over nothing, one that was happy and caring and attentive. One that gets her happy kids fed and in bed on time, and focuses on her husband with a leg rub and kind words.

Instead I fell asleep around 6 pm and kind husband parented the kids again. He came to bed at 10:30, and my eyes popped open as I felt that panic of "Where did the night go? What am I doing? Why am I ignoring my family?"

I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner and read one of my favorite blogs, where I found this video. I needed this. I needed to know that angels are here, helping me. The biggest angel around me is my husband, and other angels are my sisters, my mom, my in-laws. There are other angels too, ones that I cannot see and Heaven sends them when I need it most.



I am sorry this blog post is so long and whiny, but I needed to let go of some of this. I need to remind myself that it is not forever. When Joe came to bed, we sat and talked for a little while about how his night went. I forget that other people in this house are tired and hot, too. I forget how bored the kids are that they can't go outside and play until it is almost bedtime. I forget that they need mom-interaction, and that they haven't really been getting it. My being here isn't the same as my attention. I forget that Joe gets stressed out, too, and that he gets tired and that his legs hurt more than I can imagine. Just to clarify, he never mentioned any of this in our talk tonight. I just had some rest and found a little bit of clarity, enough to get some insight into my family's needs.

I cannot wait until summer school is over. I don't think I am going to be seen outside of my home until October. I want to have time to enjoy my family of four before it turns into a family of five. I want to play with the kids, get some rest, hug my husband tighter, and maybe nest a little. I want to spend hours doing nothing at all with them, and I don't want to leave my house. I want to find balance and happiness again, so when these well-meaning boys accidentally drop eggs or leave the fridge open, it is not a lesson in economics as much as it is a lesson in patience and forgiveness and love.